John 1:1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
During this video I share the beginnings of Light in the darkness blog and new podcast along with expressions for going forward with the journey of intimacy with God.
]]>
John 1:1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
During this video I share the beginnings of Light in the darkness blog and new podcast along with expressions for going forward with the journey of intimacy with God.
]]>
1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
Revelation of the song of the 144,000
The other day I was worshiping while I had soaking worship music on. As I began singing to the Lord the Holy Spirit would bring words to my heart and I would sing them out loud. I began worshiping him as the all-consuming fire, then I sang the scriptures that he knew me before he knit me in my mother's womb. My spirit had known him and my spirit bore witness to that name and nature he created before I was known. As I began lifting his presence within me in song my heart moved into a unified worship experience. I began singing the Song of the Lord and the 144,000 surrounding His throne in worship. The Holy Spirit was witnessing to me through this collective song that 144,000 is not a literal number. This number is a representation of the visual manifestation of the Father, Spirit, and the Word breaking through the veil from heaven to earth. While meditating on this revelation I was reminded of a time when the Lord took me on a scientific journey to learn about quantum energy and the smallest forms of matter. In theoretical physics, this reality is explained through something called string theory. String theory is exactly as it sounds. The tiniest particles are identical strings of energy excitingly vibrating. The only difference is the resonant pattern, or how it vibrates. All objects, not just strings, have resonant patterns. Often we can't imagine what the working of the spirit would appear to be but I'd like to propose this visual for you using Cymatics, created by Hans Jenny. Cymatics is the study of vibration and visualized sound using a physical medium. A medium is a substance through which a force acts or by which something is carried. By projecting sound through sand or water we can observe how frequency resonates through sound waves because a visible pattern will form. Through that unified song of the Lord, I could see my spirit forming as the expression of the Father, Spirit, and The Word in unison. Not only I as one spirit but this collective spirit resonating in harmony. We were the strings, identical yet each having distinct patterns forming this resonance with Jesus the Logos joining us as one body. This was a powerful expression of energy and life.
Science states the beginning as a "Big Bang" because to them there was no physical matter until an explosion of energy spontaneously erupted catapulting the entire universe outward. Another interesting revelation is that Jesus our logos was and is the Medium which connected us to our spiritual father. A medium can also be an expression of the middle part or that which is between allowing connection from heaven to earth. As in my example earlier you must have a medium to have a visible expression of frequency. Throughout history there have been predestined individuals who have borne witness resonating with the sound and purpose of heaven song. Scripture paraphrased Isaiah 46:10 says," I'm declaring the end from the beginning. From ancient times what is still to come.
During my writing this message I came across a well-known mathematician named John Lennox. He beautifully explained how our universe and existence are frequency-based, like a song in his “plenary talk from Sing! 2022” on YouTube. He also has several other wonderful videos discussing creation and the word made flesh that I have attached for consideration at the end of this message.
My favorite author, CS Lewis, paints a beautiful allegoric experience in his book "The Magicians Nephew". I have attached a clip below.
A past confirmation of this song was when Kendall, my husband, had received a dream a long time ago. It was at the beginning of his conversion from the Church of Christ into a Spirit-filled experience. I recall at the end of his dream his conflicted soul had run away then suddenly returned to him. She exclaimed all it took for her to return was a song. This soul further testified that life was forming within her. Back then neither I nor my husband fully understood the impactful meaning. God has been teaching both of us the significance of the song of the Lord and how through the fruits of the Spirit humanity will reproduce after God's image. I believe this goes even further because of the revelation of Holy Spirit concerning frequency. “Creation groans” is compared to lamenting but also birthing.
When a child is born a woman can express moans from the great pressure to bring forth but she also transitions into sounds of rejoicing because she knows she's bringing forth new life. What began from a spiritual realm must manifest into a natural realm, just as Jesus says we must be transformed through the word which was made flesh. We were there from the beginning in Spirit until we became flesh and now must be resurrected with Him so that this song can continue to be transferred to and through us.
Jesus was our visible example of heaven's manifestation and life; our ever speaking Logos. Three things bear witness on earth: the water, blood, and the spirit. Similarly, three things bear witness in heaven: the Father, the Spirit, and the Word. This Logos song bears witness in both realms from one side of the veil into the other. God intended us to be as Jesus was on earth, manifesting heaven's spirit and life. Our spirits have been doing so from the beginning which is why when the Holy Spirit moves we bear witness to our Spirit and begin resonating. May we all surrender to the Spirit, like our brother and first fruit Jesus, so that all creation can witness the Kingdom of heaven on earth through us.
Scriptures for reference and contemplation AMPC
psalm 96:1
O sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth!
Psalm 98
1 O sing to the Lord a new song, for He has done marvelous things; His right hand and His holy arm have wrought salvation for Him.
2 The Lord has made known His salvation; His righteousness has He openly shown in the sight of the nations.
3 He has [earnestly] remembered His mercy and loving-kindness, His truth and His faithfulness toward the house of Israel; all the ends of the earth have witnessed the salvation of our God.
4 Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth; break forth and sing for joy, yes, sing praises!
5 Sing praises to the Lord with the lyre, with the lyre and the voice of melody.
6 With trumpets and the sound of the horn make a joyful noise before the King, the Lord!
7 Let the sea roar, and all that fills it, the world, and those who dwell in it!
8 Let the rivers clap their hands; together let the hills sing for joy
9 Before the Lord, for He is coming to judge [and rule] the earth; with righteousness will He judge [and rule] the world, and the peoples with equity.
Psalm 139:13-17
13 For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Isaiah 46:9-10
9 [Earnestly] remember the former things, [which I did] of old; for I am God, and there is no one else; I am God, and there is none like Me,
10 Declaring the end and the result from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all My pleasure and purpose,
Isaiah 55:11-13
11 So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12 For you shall go out [from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland] with joy and be led forth [by your Leader, the Lord Himself, and His word] with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise], which shall not be cut off.
Jeremiah 32:17
17 Alas, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! There is nothing too hard or too wonderful for You—
Jeremiah 32:27
27 Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there anything too hard for Me?
Luke 1:37
37 For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.
John 1:1-5
1 In the beginning [before all time] was the Word (Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself.
2 He was present originally with God.
3 All things were made and came into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being.
4 In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men.
5 And the Light shines on in the darkness, for the darkness has never overpowered it [put it out or absorbed it or appropriated it, and is unreceptive to it].
Ephesians 1:4-12
4 Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love.
5 For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]—
6 [So that we might be] to the praise and the commendation of His glorious grace (favor and mercy), which He so freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.
7 In Him we have redemption (deliverance and salvation) through His blood, the remission (forgiveness) of our offenses (shortcomings and trespasses), in accordance with the riches and the generosity of His gracious favor,
8 Which He lavished upon us in every kind of wisdom and understanding (practical insight and prudence),
9 Making known to us the mystery (secret) of His will (of His plan, of His purpose). [And it is this:] In accordance with His good pleasure (His merciful intention) which He had previously purposed and set forth in Him,
10 [He planned] for the maturity of the times and the climax of the ages to unify all things and head them up and consummate them in Christ, [both] things in heaven and things on the earth.
11 In Him we also were made [God’s] heritage (portion) and we obtained an inheritance; for we had been foreordained (chosen and appointed beforehand) in accordance with His purpose, Who works out everything in agreement with the counsel and design of His [own] will,
12 So that we who first hoped in Christ [who first put our confidence in Him have been destined and appointed to] live for the praise of His glory!
Ephesians 3:17-19
17 May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love,
18 That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God’s devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it];
19 [That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!
Ephesians 5:19-20
Hebrews 11:1-3
11 Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].
2 For by [faith—trust and holy fervor born of faith] the men of old had divine testimony borne to them and obtained a good report.
3 By faith we understand that the worlds [during the successive ages] were framed (fashioned, put in order, and equipped for their intended purpose) by the word of God, so that what we see was not made out of things which are visible.
James 1:18
18 And it was of His own [free] will that He gave us birth [as sons] by [His] Word of Truth, so that we should be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures [a sample of what He created to be consecrated to Himself]
1 John 4:16
16 And we know (understand, recognize, are conscious of, by observation and by experience) and believe (adhere to and put faith in and rely on) the love God cherishes for us. God is love, and he who dwells and continues in love dwells and continues in God, and God dwells and continues in him.
Romans 8:22-23
22 We know that the whole creation [of irrational creatures] has been moaning together in the pains of labor until now.
23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves too, who have and enjoy the firstfruits of the [Holy] Spirit [a foretaste of the blissful things to come] groan inwardly as we wait for the redemption of our bodies [from sensuality and the grave, which will reveal] our adoption (our manifestation as God’s sons).
Romans 8:28-30
28 We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.
29 For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.
30 And those whom He thus foreordained, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified (acquitted, made righteous, putting them into right standing with Himself). And those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity and condition or state of being].
Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers,
39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
1 Corinthians 6:17
17 But the person who is united to the Lord becomes one spirit with Him.
Colossians 1:16-20
16 For it was in Him that all things were created, in heaven and on earth, things seen and things unseen, whether thrones, dominions, rulers, or authorities; all things were created and exist through Him [by His service, intervention] and in and for Him.
17 And He Himself existed before all things, and in Him all things consist (cohere, are held together).
18 He also is the Head of [His] body, the church; seeing He is the Beginning, the Firstborn from among the dead, so that He alone in everything and in every respect might occupy the chief place [stand first and be preeminent].
19 For it has pleased [the Father] that all the divine fullness (the sum total of the divine perfection, powers, and attributes) should dwell in Him permanently.
20 And God purposed that through (by the service, the intervention of) Him [the Son] all things should be completely reconciled back to Himself, whether on earth or in heaven, as through Him, [the Father] made peace by means of the blood of His cross.
Colossians 3:14
14 And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony].
Revelations 21:1-7
21 Then I saw a new sky (heaven) and a new earth, for the former sky and the former earth had passed away (vanished), and there no longer existed any sea.
2 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, all arrayed like a bride beautified and adorned for her husband;
3 Then I heard a mighty voice from the throne and I perceived its distinct words, saying, See! The abode of God is with men, and He will live (encamp, tent) among them; and they shall be His people, and God shall personally be with them and be their God.
4 God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away.
5 And He Who is seated on the throne said, See! I make all things new. Also He said, Record this, for these sayings are faithful (accurate, incorruptible, and trustworthy) and true (genuine).
6 And He [further] said to me, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I [Myself] will give water without price from the fountain (springs) of the water of Life.
7 He who is victorious shall inherit all these things, and I will be God to him and he shall be My son.
Sources & Citations
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Timeline: Which Came First, Language Or Music? |
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https://www.vermontpublic.org/programs/2020-02-17/timeline-which-came-first-language-or-music |
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December 9, 2023 |
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February 17, 2020 |
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NOVA | Elegant Universe | Resonance in Strings |
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https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/elegant/resonance.html#:~:text=Just%20like%20the%20cotton%20string,side%20of%20the%20screen%20above |
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December 9, 2023 |
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Making sense of string theory |
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https://penntoday.upenn.edu/news/making-sense-string-theory |
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December 9, 2023 |
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Hans Jenny (cymatics) |
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Jenny_(cymatics) |
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December 9, 2023 |
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The Sounds of Spacetime |
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https://www.americanscientist.org/article/the-sounds-of-spacetime |
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John Lennox - The Singing Brain: Being Fully Human (from Sing! 2022) |
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https://youtu.be/n-ILWFy9lSw?si=qD-bYzzf8f82n6bb |
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August 09, 2023 |
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John Lennox Discusses the Beginning of the Universe - Science Uprising Expert Interview |
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https://youtu.be/mKh51FxQ4io?si=evj0_407-qB_RyLI |
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December 9, 2023 |
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September 20, 2021 |
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John Lennox: The Word Became Flesh |
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https://youtu.be/2wnhBfI3JTg?si=tdAFrrSWUTnBXtuk |
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Access Your Bible from Anywhere |
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https://www.biblegateway.com/ |
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BibleGateway.com: A searchable online Bible in over 150 versions and 50 languages. |
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December 9, 2023 |
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Amazing Resonance Experiment! |
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https://youtu.be/wvJAgrUBF4w?si=qI10izp_owA9NpZR |
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Resonance Experiment! (Full Version - With Tones) |
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https://youtu.be/1yaqUI4b974?si=qOZBELFfx-oSAltn |
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A better description of resonance |
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https://youtu.be/dihQuwrf9yQ?si=EDwhbzY2vkn9c9vA |
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]]>
1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
During this video, I answer these questions...
Describe your journey of faith.
What in your view are the Biblical requirements for spiritual leadership?
How do you participate in the spiritual life within your community?
In what ways are you active in ministry?
How do you live out your faith in a way that exemplifies God's love toward us and would encourage others to seek God?
]]>
1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
Obedience is better than Sacrifice...
I believe we have all heard this biblical principle at least once in our lifetimes. I have been learning more specifically what this principle means for me personally. First, I would like to update you from the last post to the present. I last shared my involvement with Trauma Reboot as a participant and how it impacted my personal life toward true forgiveness. We were living in my inlaws building a house. In August 2021 we moved into our new home. I had a continued deep desire to help others especially the body of Christ and by the fall of 2022, the Lord placed on my heart to host a Trauma Reboot class out of my home for my local community. God says don't despise small beginnings...The class was both a surprise and a Godsend as only two of the original four participants were able to finish the class. God used this class to minister to all who participated especially those individuals and to heal some areas of my own family. My daughter and husband both attended by voluntary observation. Meaning they did not go to every class, but, they received much healing through just the few times they participated. Shortly after the completion of the class, the Lord began working out some things privately in my marriage and life that I even just yesterday questioned how might I or my family be affected if these things were made transparent and shared with the world. We all fear being obedient especially when it requires that we ourselves are exposed and vulnerable in order to show faith and build trust. So in time, I believe God will have me deal with these ever-present and hard topics within the body of Christ but today this blog will just be catching you all up to speed on what the Lord has been training and preparing me for going forward.
In August 2022 I had the opportunity for a scholarship to get training as a Mental Health Coach through the AACC (American Association of Christian Counselors) which is a part of the IBCC (International Board of Christian Care). I was super excited because I knew it would not only support the body of Christ but also help me personally better understand my own mental health and better support the struggles of my children and husband. The classes I have completed are Coffee Cup Counseling, "First Responder Training" as a Mental Health Coach, Dare to Care “How to Start and Manage a Mental Health Ministry, and Youth Mental Health Coach. During the first part of my training, I realized that so many in the body of Christ need support for Mental Health. My own experiences included going through trials with my daughter who faced her own mental health battle with suicide once in 2022 and again in 2023. During this time I only had the Lord and a few in my family whom I could seek prayer and support from. There are so many in the church system who simply aren't educated to help support them in a raw and authentic way. Now that I am finishing up my Youth Mental health coach training I realize how much I myself would have benefited from a Mental Health Coach and this type of support. We had professional counseling support for my daughter which continues to support and help her overcome challenges. She is doing so much better, but still, I can't help but wonder just how much of a difference it would have made to have a Christian coaching and supporting me as a parent and praying with me and my family as we navigated this trying time.
I have been unable to host another Trama Reboot class as the Lord has not opened the door again. Several unexpected health emergencies both physical and mental going into 2023 caused me to take several much-needed breaks. My reboot mentor advised me to focus on my family and health and just seek the Lord so that is what I have been and continue doing. I have presently been seeking the Lord because he placed a much bigger call upon my heart which I have been repeatedly reminded of the last few months.
Obedience is better than Sacrifice has been resounding in my Spirit. The Lord began moving my heart 15 years ago toward supporting the body of Christ. I knew he was calling me towards some sort of ministry but did not fully understand how best to support the body of Christ until just in these past few years. My experience with church often revealed that in order for it to thrive it was expected to operate much like an enterprise or organization. I was never against the good that came of the present system but I always felt somehow it was falling short of its true purpose. I began seeking the Lord to learn more about how the scriptures describe his church, and how it was possible that what it began as had strayed so far from its simple beginnings. In present-day church, we encounter the body of Christ in a very structured order much like joining a special social club. God's heart's desire was that the body's function should be more like a human organism. I worked in the medical profession for 18 years. I have witnessed what can happen in the human body if it is stagnant without freedom or range of motion. The definition of stagnation literally means Not flowing “clogged”. Medical science shows that if a human body is kept stagnant it begins to have negative physical and mental symptoms eventually leading to the drawing up, breaking down, and decay of the body and all of its systems. This process is not only painful physically but also causes mental anguish. This is but a short description of what happens when a body is kept alive on life support instead of living out in purpose. God never intended for the body to simply be sustained or “Kept” He described a vibrant, active, and mobile organism operating far more complex than its current portrayal. In short, my goal and role is to operate through one one-on-one relationship so that God's church can begin living out its purpose. Laboring alongside one another in one-on-one relationships is essential for our growth.
https://newlifemorningstar.zenfolio.com/dream-of-the-body-of-christ
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1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
It's Resurrection Sunday, April 4th, 2021...a day that we choose to celebrate the wonder-working power of Christ's death and rebirth. For those of us that were brought up in a church, we can agree that Forgiveness is an invaluable part of the life of a Christian. Jesus' very act upon the cross reveals just how deeply the message of forgiveness is. But what if the trauma of your past and present life has skewed your understanding of forgiveness? What if you have gone through every step and motion you knew or was shown or said to be forgiveness yet you continued to feel the weight and heaviness of your own sins or the sins of others who have wronged or hurt you? Are you truly forgiving or accepting you have been forgiven?
Some online definitions of Forgiveness:
Wikipedia says, "In a psychological sense, is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may initially feel victimized, undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding a given offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance. To cease to feel resentment against."
2020 AllAboutGOD says, "Forgiveness means to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, to cancel a debt. When we wrong someone, we seek his or her forgiveness in order for the relationship to be restored. It is important to remember that forgiveness is not granted because a person deserves to be forgiven. Instead, it is an act of love, mercy, and grace.
Even scripture teaches that unless we choose to forgive others we ourselves can not be forgiven. So how can we still lack giving or accepting forgiveness?
Trauma Reboot shared some valuable points...its a process that goes something like this--->
Facts--->Faith---->Feelings
This Key "Forgiveness" was something I thought I knew I had learned and felt I had mastered the practice of. What a shock to find out how wrong I was...God must have known I was in just the right place in my mind and heart recently to teach me... so he gently tapped my spiritual shoulder and began revealing to me what forgiveness is at its core. I was taught that when you are wronged or wrong someone else you say your sorry and accept their sorry then everyone makes up until you or they are satisfied and you move on. This is not forgiveness and this does not address the most crucial step which is to process the events in the presence of God WITH him so that he is present to guide your act of forgiveness. During week 10 of Trauma Reboot during our discussion of forgiveness, I became triggered. God whispered to me that because of my emotional disconnections and disassociation I had not truly forgiven. Even though I wanted to and was making a choice with my mind to say I forgive, my heart was so far removed from the process it was impossible for me to connect to be present and involved body, soul, and spirit for forgiveness. During class, I was so angry and sad. I fumed over the fact I had spent my entire life saying sorry and forgiving people instantly trying to disconnect from the pain I was experiencing. I equated forgiveness as no longer acknowledging what had hurt me rather than accepting my or others' actions and processing the events to release. It took some hard examination of myself and facing events along with the non-addressed emotions to see that what I had really been doing. I was invalidating my experiences and enabling cycles of abuse. Through Trauma Reboot I learned that forgiveness is not a one and your done process and the holy spirit showed me you can not invalidate or deny your own experiences including the hard emotions you have experienced otherwise you can never truly connected with the process to release it. Imagine you push something away from you so far that you can no longer see it, feel it, or take hold of it...this is what happens when you disconnect. To truly forgive you must first be present and invite God, Jesus, Holy Spirit into the moment of the event so that while you are connected with it body, soul, and spirit you can together with him acknowledge this is what happened ______, this is what I am feeling ____, but despite this moment I choose to no longer try and manage it myself but ask God, Jesus, Holy Spirit to take hold of it with you. Allow yourself to know that in that moment they are with you...try to imagine and experience it. You don't have to fear or be ashamed and remember they love you and want you to forgive. Now you are ready to make the choice that only God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit have the ability to take it from you as they first took it from you on the cross when Jesus said, Father, forgive "Let it Go" they don't understand what they are holding onto. Jesus asked his father to let us go to release all our sins past, present, and future. So now when we can not forgive "let it go" we are taking back all of what they accomplished on the cross. God doesn't want to hold anything against us but if we can not invite him into our hearts to process this life with him in a relationship we are incapable of accepting or giving forgiveness.
My heart has been pierced to its core. I realized that I was so afraid for so long and ashamed and embarrassed to let God into my heart. Trauma kept him at the door ever close... always with me and ever knocking. God said," Please won't you open your heart to those memories, moments, events, and instances when you were hurting or hurt others so that together we can process what it did to you and them?
You don't have to be bound by your sins or the sin of others. Jesus let it go on the cross turned and said to God, "Let it Go", then God the father too let it go, and finally ALL SIN was defeated!!!! All of the effects of sin are healed when we stop trying to carry it alone. God says, "I want to be ever-present with you in communion so that you share all your emotions and feelings. That you not hide from me in fear but run to me in faith knowing I love you and accept you."
Take a moment to stop and think of forgiveness. Welcome, God into your day, and don't be afraid to face your past, present, and future with him every moment of every day. It's his desire that we commune with home heart to heart so that we are no longer burdened with SIN. Forgiveness must be ongoing and daily. If you need help in this process just reach out to me. I can pray with you or for you. If you are still processing Trauma and have yet to find healing please consider joining a Trauma Reboot class and allow God the opportunity to walk you through to victory.
https://www.newlife-morningstar.com/new-life-ministry
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1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
It's been some time since my last blog but for good reason as God always has a plan to present just what needs to be said at the best time. What better timing than just before Resurrection Sunday 2021...a day that celebrates the wonder-working power of Christ's death and rebirth.
How many books and articles on "self" including self-help and self-motivation exist today? The title "self" can carry multiple meanings...fortunately in my blog post "self" in self-image means the process of removing the false self that has been fashioned not after God, Jesus, and the holy spirit, but after nature, nurture, and unseen spiritual influences. Over the last 40 years, my "self" was fashioned to suit the individuals around me. This type of "self" robs an individual of the most basic need which is acceptance and Love as God originally designed with no stipulations attached. This love can not exist outside of his presence nor identify "self" separate from him. So before we get too far into defining "Self" let me catch you up to speed on my previous understanding through this last two years up to the revelation God has now presented me in April 2021. I've been on an incredible journey that at times has been very emotionally exhausting and frustrating. Back in 2019, my first task was to complete a sexual trauma healing course taught by an amazing woman of God named, "Paulette Swinger".Through her counseling and the combined curriculum called, "Finding You" by Sheilia Harper, I dove into separating "self" from a lifetime of disassociation. What should have been a short nine-week class I managed to drag out over a year. It took quite a long time to work through past sexual trauma memories. Paulette was so encouraging during those times of helping me re-associate and learn it was okay to voice my feelings. She also helped me see that I was more than the person my past traumas had made me. Towards the end of my class with her, she shared a link for an upcoming group called Reboot Recovery. For 11 years Reboot has been helping veterans and first responders overcome the effects of Trauma. They had just launched an exciting new program called Trauma Reboot that was geared towards everyday people. I was excited and felt led to reach out about becoming a facilitator. This would allow me to teach the class and bring healing out of my own painful past. Someone watching the launch party felt led to sponsor my fees. Trauma Reboot has been a literal Godsend. Everything I was trying to understand and sort out on my own was suddenly presented in an easy-to-follow workbook. They held classes online through a safe and supportive group class setting. In my class were 5 women all of who had encountered various forms of trauma. It was through sharing of our past and weekly experiences that God began peeling back my "self" image layers. The very first revelation presented by trauma Reboots was First Truth which says, "Trauma didn't break you. You aren't broken. Your wounded. and wounds can heal if proper steps are taken". This revelation broke off the weight that my life was broken and in disarray. From this perspective, my life was simply filled with events that had wounded me and caused me to remain in an emotional place of woundedness. This insight helped to better explain the emotional fortress that surrounded my heart and supported what the holy spirit shared about my disconnect of "self" and my inability to connect to my heart. Into week two I discovered that I had default responses to Trauma. Attempting to cope with trauma during my life had caused a disconnection where I still had emotional responses but "self" identity was not presently experiencing anything. I was walking through life downplaying every action and trauma committed against me. I recognized that I was walking through every day choosing to be numb. Not just emotionally but physically which is part of the disassociation. I was merely existing attempting to cope. I had to face how I had looked in all the wrong ways and places for safety. That I had never learned how to manage my emotions. Through this disconnect, I never actually had a healthy process of grieving. I had been bound in unhealthy thought cycles of guilt, shame, and regret. By the 8th week of class, I had to face the hard truth's surrounding my identity. That "self" had been programmed into me from the womb but it was not the "self" that God had created for me. I had ungodly beliefs about my identity, value, worth, security, ability, relationships, and on and on. Working through the identifying checklists helped me recognize it was time to uproot the lies I had allowed myself to believe and replace them with God's truth. Trauma Reboot Truth #8, "A person who doesn't know who they are will never become who they can be." It was time to begin breaking those lies by replacing them with god's truth spoken in his word and to me personally.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
The Lord even gave me a dream recently confirming that I am finally aborting this lifelong programming. I have moved into a place of healing. So stay tuned as we dive into the most valuable KEY to come Forgiveness.
1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
So last post I left off at details of The First Key root...
The Key Root can be described like this: How did I define a father? How had I believed I should react to my father? Most important how did I learn to receive Love from my father?
Let me say that ALL men and women grow up with a father complex. We each at some point have had our earthly fathers even if they were the best of what earth had to offer fall short. Simply put man cannot replace our heavenly father. I had developed a skewed complex and distanced myself from both my earthly and spiritual fathers because I never felt I measured up to what was expected of me. I defined my biological father as someone who loved me but not someone I was able to please or get close to. My biological father and I were as close as my understanding would allow. Part of this was because I was partially raised by my stepfather. My stepfather was a raging narcissist so most of my childhood from age ten-adulthood was spent trying to fit a mold of behavior and achievement to prove to my stepfather that I was worthy of his efforts and time or attention. When I was younger I didn't realize how unhealthy this was but because I was so far removed from my biological father in part from my parent's divorce and secondly because of the distance between the family, I grew up striving to earn affection. I remember that my stepfather would pit my sisters and me against one another. This was done by making constant comparisons in every way possible. He would compare our looks, our talents, our achievements and then compliment each of us in a condescending way if he felt we fell short. After years of being compared to one another, I developed this attitude and also began to compare myself to others. In fact, I would experience pride and felt I had gained approval when I felt I could be measured greater than someone else. This carried over into my Christian faith up until now and to be honest I see so many of us do exactly what I used to do. We look around at other believers and make a comparison to one another, thinking that if we measure greater than our brother or sister or somehow get our father's attention more we will earn his approval. This may be how the world operates but God clearly shows us we are in this world but NOT of it. I didn't realize how judgemental I had become and I just cried and cried thinking that Jesus would not strive to please his father the way I had done. I grew up reacting day to day based on the mood my stepfather was in and changed my behavior accordingly. I carried this over into my relationship with my biological father and eventually my marriage. Today I realize that it is called being an enabler and its not healthy. No one should ever feel like they must walk on eggshells around those they love. God truly has been gracious and through this experience, my marriage has been making a huge transformation. That, of course, will be for a later blog :)
Now the most important element of this key was how did I learn to receive Love from my father? Well, as you can see from what I have already shared I thought that in order to receive a father's love I had to earn it. It was enlightening for me when I discovered that I must have adopted this relational understanding of all of my father figures. I never have earned my step father's love. In fact, just this February he left my mother and nonchalantly told her to make sure "her girls" didn't reach out to him. This man was a part of my life for nearly 28 years so to say I was crushed is an understatement. It was through this heartbreak I discovered how my relationship with God had been expressed through the same way I had learned to reach out to my stepfather. Praise God that he is loving and tender and never leaves nor forsakes us. It is through this ever-growing relationship with God the father that I am learning to forgive my stepfather's rejection and to begin culturing a right relationship with my biological father.
Psalm 34:18 New English Translation (NET Bible)
18
The Lord is near the brokenhearted;
he delivers those who are discouraged.
Before this journey began in January 2019 I thought that I was a pretty good Christian. I really did all I could to show the Lord how much I cared and how much I loved people. Even though these are good things what was most important to God was my personal intimate relationship with him. Its what is truly most important for every man to learn while they are going through this life experience. I thought I had a great personal relationship with him but through these life-changing course of emotional upheavals, God revealed I had served him through a distorted understanding. The good news is that now I am actually learning little by little how to let go of many past beliefs to have true faith and trust in God. You see God never stops giving of his love. It is constant and unchanging as is he...what must change is our perception of love and the ability to receive it without stipulation. You would think to receive love was an easy task, but not everyone understands how. I still don't fully understand it but God through patience and others has been daily revealing it to me.
In my next blog, we will talk about another Key root involving self-image and how it relates to relationships.
1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
So last post I left off at details of the heart's throne...
Details of the heart's throne take a hard look at what things I had built up in my heart and ruled over. As God revealed this to me I tried to envision this mountain of stuff that surrounded my heart. What I saw in my imagination was like my heart itself had become an impenetrable fortress. There was a structure much like a compound where I had outer checks and balances, gateways, inner checks and balances, and even inner gateways that lead into the place of my heart. A lifetime of hurt, betrayal, and disappointments had caused me to set up these processes. I somehow had justified every bad thing that had ever happened to me. I had believed that God was allowing these things to take place to keep me humble. This was backward as God would never outright allow the horrible experiences that have happened to me in my life. My first hurdle was admitting I had taken away my right to voice when someone had hurt me. God was showing me I never allowed myself to deal with any hurt especially anger. So many times I was afraid of the reactions of others and facing how much they would be displeased that I robbed myself of the expressions of anger. I thought that I should behave properly. This re-routed the expression of anger and bypassed it with forced docility. I forced myself to react pleasingly so when something or someone hurt me I simply internalized this pain along with extreme blame and justified my lack of expressions as being Christian like. Internally what was happening was that I was robbing myself of vital expression. I was completely denying those feelings and just stuffing them onto the pile in my heart. No one likes to admit when they are angry especially someone who has mastered masking their anger.
Have any of you seen the movie "HOME"? There is a line in the movie that the character Boove, describes the reactions of a female character Tip, as being sad mad. She was in total denial that she was sad or mad but was hurting and angry because she felt utterly helpless of her circumstances. The expressions came out as extreme explosive sadness (Sad Mad). I, folks, was sad mad and had an extreme reserve of anger that I had never allowed myself to express. My first assignment was to start standing up for myself and find an appropriate way to voice my hurt and anger. God has been showing me there is a right way to express my feelings without an explosion or denying them completely. At first, I rebelled over this assignment and many times during having to deal with the reactions of others I have to fight my blame throwing. See in the past I would tell myself that I had brought a situation or circumstance upon myself and that if I had just changed my behavior to what was expected of me that those people would not lash out and hurt me. This was wrong thinking and I am so thankful that through this process God has helped me realize much of the life I was living I was not living true to myself.
It is true that we should have a desire to please God but this in no way means that we go to the extreme of pleasing him but in the process cause our own life experience to be one of misery. I didn't see how miserable I was making myself by continuing such an unhealthy cycle of thinking. God never asked me to think this way or to do this to myself and no one should ever change their behavior simply to please others or try to live up to what they expect of them. This was a learned behavior that I am at 38 years old finally unlearning. I don't blame my upbringing so much as I blame the enemy (Devil) for using others to twist my understanding of myself and the world around me. I also discovered buried in the pile under the throne of my heart, I harbored deep-seated resentments. I resented much of my life and how it had turned out. I was carrying a heavy weight of disappointment which spanned back to when I was a very small child. I should pause and reiterate that my parents were and still are good people. They loved God but like all mankind, they too made small choices that negatively affected my upbringing. I have done the same thing in raising my children so I can only hope that my children will forgive me as I have mine. We are but spiritual beings on a physical journey and learning through this journey called life can prove to be quite the challenge. I am just thankful for my heavenly father who was able to do what my parents could not. He was able to reveal to me what a Father truly is intended to be and how my own life and the circumstances that surround it had greatly skewed this view. Call discovering a KEY root if you will. A key so vital it would prove invaluable in unlocking my fortified heart. This was one key that explained why it had been so difficult to grow in relationship with him and why I always felt I was lacking. I have done a lot of work in five short months and its a daily work in progress. Continue to follow my blog as I discuss the Key root in my next entry...
]]>John 1:5 The Voice (VOICE Translation)
1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.
The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3 His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.
I would like to shed "light" into what might be your dark experiences to share some insight into just why you found this blog and remind you that despite your circumstances you matter and serve an amazing and divine purpose. There may be times when you are facing immeasurable odds where your very nature and character are attacked. Let my words serve as a reminder that God is always ever-present in times of trouble and that no matter what circumstances you face today he is that ever-present light in the darkness.
So what prompted me to begin this blog?
Well, back in Jan. 2019 I found myself faced with what some might consider an identity crisis. I had grown up my entire life in relationship with God (God the father, son, and holy spirit) and I considered my relationship to be pretty solid. For the next 5 months, my concept of faith would be daily challenged. Thus what began in January as a full-on assault of my character, personage, and faith; God would fashion a new through revelation and relationship. This is an ongoing process so I invite you to join me on this journey of discovering who I am in Christ and how he will reveal his image and likeness along the way.
How my process started...
Often when faith is challenged its a common knee jerk reaction to bolster up in defense to justify words and actions. In my personal situation, I was accused of some pretty outlandish and horrible things. I won't dig up the drama as my main focus is to show you what came from the experience rather than the actual events that led up to it.
During the initial accusation, I held fast to the only faith I knew. Honestly, it was horrible...an internal tug of war if you will, pulling and sifting through a lifetime of ideas and concepts. I was duking it out inside of myself going back and forth looking for justification and reason to react or reason within. After several weeks of going back and forth in this heart/mind struggle including getting triggered by a bizarre yet enlightening dream, I finally reached outside of my intrapersonal comfort zone to come face to face with who really sat on my internal throne. Yes, you heard me correctly I came face to face with not Jesus ruling on the throne of my heart, but me, myself, and I.
Somehow in my own efforts to do what I thought was pleasing to God, I had erected an internal throne in which I was sitting upon in my heart. I was mortified, to say the least. One thing that I had clung to was this attitude of pride. I actually felt pride in the fact that I just didn't react and get angry. I had spent the majority of my life thinking that I had overcome reacting to anger. Obviously, God felt this was the perfect teaching moment because for the first time in my life I experienced "true" anger. I was angry and I really didn't even know why. It angered me to see that God was not on the throne of my heart but something of my own creation. In my anger, I cried out to the Lord and said, " What sort of joke is this?" Then for lack of a better term, the word "pissery" came to mind. Yep, my internal throne in which I so carefully governed and ruled was built upon "crap" that I had stored up in my heart. All this time I believed that my ability to control my outward reactions were because I was being Christ-like.
Over the course of the next few weeks, I battled feelings of shame and unworthiness. Not only had the experience exposed my true nature, but it left me struggling to pray and come into God's presence. What I thought was right and in right standing was so far removed from righteous I was amazed that God was even willing to reveal it to me. This is where I had to humble myself and admit to what I had been shown. It was here where God showed me his heart for me and why he alone offers Mercy. God brought to mind scripture...
Ephesians 2:8-9 The Voice (VOICE)
8-9 For it’s by God’s grace that you have been saved. You receive it through faith. It was not our plan or our effort. It is God’s gift, pure and simple. You didn’t earn it, not one of us did, so don’t go around bragging that you must have done something amazing.
So how could I truly receive if my very faith was exposed as skewed? This was the moment I realized God's love for me was so great he was choosing to take an extremely painful situation to reveal some things in my heart that kept me from truly growing in my relationship with him. After all, I had asked him to search my heart. At my request, God was answering my heart cry even while my heart did not reflect his image and likeness.
Join me in my next blog as I share about the details of the heart's throne...