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New Composition_2019-05-27 00-54-10

1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.

    The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3     His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
    all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
    with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
    blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.

So last post I left off at details of the heart's throne...

Details of the heart's throne take a hard look at what things I had built up in my heart and ruled over. As God revealed this to me I tried to envision this mountain of stuff that surrounded my heart. What I saw in my imagination was like my heart itself had become an impenetrable fortress. There was a structure much like a compound where I had outer checks and balances, gateways, inner checks and balances, and even inner gateways that lead into the place of my heart. A lifetime of hurt, betrayal, and disappointments had caused me to set up these processes. I somehow had justified every bad thing that had ever happened to me. I had believed that God was allowing these things to take place to keep me humble. This was backward as God would never outright allow the horrible experiences that have happened to me in my life. My first hurdle was admitting I had taken away my right to voice when someone had hurt me. God was showing me I never allowed myself to deal with any hurt especially anger. So many times I was afraid of the reactions of others and facing how much they would be displeased that I robbed myself of the expressions of anger. I thought that I should behave properly. This re-routed the expression of anger and bypassed it with forced docility. I forced myself to react pleasingly so when something or someone hurt me I simply internalized this pain along with extreme blame and justified my lack of expressions as being Christian like. Internally what was happening was that I was robbing myself of vital expression. I was completely denying those feelings and just stuffing them onto the pile in my heart. No one likes to admit when they are angry especially someone who has mastered masking their anger.

Have any of you seen the movie "HOME"? There is a line in the movie that the character Boove, describes the reactions of a female character Tip, as being sad mad. She was in total denial that she was sad or mad but was hurting and angry because she felt utterly helpless of her circumstances. The expressions came out as extreme explosive sadness (Sad Mad). I, folks, was sad mad and had an extreme reserve of anger that I had never allowed myself to express. My first assignment was to start standing up for myself and find an appropriate way to voice my hurt and anger. God has been showing me there is a right way to express my feelings without an explosion or denying them completely. At first, I rebelled over this assignment and many times during having to deal with the reactions of others I have to fight my blame throwing. See in the past I would tell myself that I had brought a situation or circumstance upon myself and that if I had just changed my behavior to what was expected of me that those people would not lash out and hurt me. This was wrong thinking and I am so thankful that through this process God has helped me realize much of the life I was living I was not living true to myself.

It is true that we should have a desire to please God but this in no way means that we go to the extreme of pleasing him but in the process cause our own life experience to be one of misery. I didn't see how miserable I was making myself by continuing such an unhealthy cycle of thinking. God never asked me to think this way or to do this to myself and no one should ever change their behavior simply to please others or try to live up to what they expect of them. This was a learned behavior that I am at 38 years old finally unlearning. I don't blame my upbringing so much as I blame the enemy (Devil) for using others to twist my understanding of myself and the world around me. I also discovered buried in the pile under the throne of my heart, I harbored deep-seated resentments. I resented much of my life and how it had turned out. I was carrying a heavy weight of disappointment which spanned back to when I was a very small child. I should pause and reiterate that my parents were and still are good people. They loved God but like all mankind, they too made small choices that negatively affected my upbringing. I have done the same thing in raising my children so I can only hope that my children will forgive me as I have mine. We are but spiritual beings on a physical journey and learning through this journey called life can prove to be quite the challenge. I am just thankful for my heavenly father who was able to do what my parents could not. He was able to reveal to me what a Father truly is intended to be and how my own life and the circumstances that surround it had greatly skewed this view. Call discovering a KEY root if you will. A key so vital it would prove invaluable in unlocking my fortified heart. This was one key that explained why it had been so difficult to grow in relationship with him and why I always felt I was lacking.  I have done a lot of work in five short months and its a daily work in progress. Continue to follow my blog as I discuss the Key root in my next entry...