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New Composition_2019-05-27 00-54-10

1 Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking.

    The Voice was and is God.
2 This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator;
3     His speech shaped the entire cosmos.
Immersed in the practice of creating,
    all things that exist were birthed in Him.
4 His breath filled all things
    with a living, breathing light—
5 A light that thrives in the depths of darkness,
    blazes through murky bottoms.
It cannot and will not be quenched.

So last post I left off at details of The First Key root... 

The Key Root can be described like this: How did I define a father? How had I believed I should react to my father? Most important how did I learn to receive Love from my father? 

Let me say that ALL men and women grow up with a father complex. We each at some point have had our earthly fathers even if they were the best of what earth had to offer fall short. Simply put man cannot replace our heavenly father. I had developed a skewed complex and distanced myself from both my earthly and spiritual fathers because I never felt I measured up to what was expected of me. I defined my biological father as someone who loved me but not someone I was able to please or get close to. My biological father and I were as close as my understanding would allow. Part of this was because I was partially raised by my stepfather. My stepfather was a raging narcissist so most of my childhood from age ten-adulthood was spent trying to fit a mold of behavior and achievement to prove to my stepfather that I was worthy of his efforts and time or attention. When I was younger I didn't realize how unhealthy this was but because I was so far removed from my biological father in part from my parent's divorce and secondly because of the distance between the family, I grew up striving to earn affection. I remember that my stepfather would pit my sisters and me against one another. This was done by making constant comparisons in every way possible. He would compare our looks, our talents, our achievements and then compliment each of us in a condescending way if he felt we fell short. After years of being compared to one another, I developed this attitude and also began to compare myself to others. In fact, I would experience pride and felt I had gained approval when I felt I could be measured greater than someone else. This carried over into my Christian faith up until now and to be honest I see so many of us do exactly what I used to do. We look around at other believers and make a comparison to one another, thinking that if we measure greater than our brother or sister or somehow get our father's attention more we will earn his approval. This may be how the world operates but God clearly shows us we are in this world but NOT of it.  I didn't realize how judgemental I had become and I just cried and cried thinking that Jesus would not strive to please his father the way I had done. I grew up reacting day to day based on the mood my stepfather was in and changed my behavior accordingly. I carried this over into my relationship with my biological father and eventually my marriage. Today I realize that it is called being an enabler and its not healthy. No one should ever feel like they must walk on eggshells around those they love. God truly has been gracious and through this experience, my marriage has been making a huge transformation. That, of course, will be for a later blog :) 

Now the most important element of this key was how did I learn to receive Love from my father? Well, as you can see from what I have already shared I thought that in order to receive a father's love I had to earn it. It was enlightening for me when I discovered that I must have adopted this relational understanding of all of my father figures. I never have earned my step father's love. In fact, just this February he left my mother and nonchalantly told her to make sure "her girls" didn't reach out to him.  This man was a part of my life for nearly 28 years so to say I was crushed is an understatement. It was through this heartbreak I discovered how my relationship with God had been expressed through the same way I had learned to reach out to my stepfather. Praise God that he is loving and tender and never leaves nor forsakes us. It is through this ever-growing relationship with God the father that I am learning to forgive my stepfather's rejection and to begin culturing a right relationship with my biological father. 

Psalm 34:18 New English Translation (NET Bible)

18 

The Lord is near the brokenhearted;

he delivers those who are discouraged.

Before this journey began in January 2019 I thought that I was a pretty good Christian. I really did all I could to show the Lord how much I cared and how much I loved people. Even though these are good things what was most important to God was my personal intimate relationship with him. Its what is truly most important for every man to learn while they are going through this life experience. I thought I had a great personal relationship with him but through these life-changing course of emotional upheavals, God revealed I had served him through a distorted understanding. The good news is that now I am actually learning little by little how to let go of many past beliefs to have true faith and trust in God. You see God never stops giving of his love. It is constant and unchanging as is he...what must change is our perception of love and the ability to receive it without stipulation. You would think to receive love was an easy task, but not everyone understands how. I still don't fully understand it but God through patience and others has been daily revealing it to me.

In my next blog, we will talk about another Key root involving self-image and how it relates to relationships.